Naruto Blooper Reel
by Right What Is Wrong
Summary: A collection of goofy alternate takes on canon scenes.
1. Tobi Reveals

**Author's Note**: Felt the need for outright crack.

* * *

**Tobi Reveal I**

* * *

"No more escaping!" Naruto roared, hauling back. As he smashed the Rasengan into the masked man's face, he screamed, "WHO ARE YOU?!"

There was a sound like a watermelon exploding, and the headless body slumped down at his feet. He stared down at it. Then he turned back to Kakashi, scratching the back of his neck. "Uh... oops?"

"Well... some things just aren't meant to be learned, I suppose," Kakashi said, after several seconds of watching the body in case it tried to get up again. "Nothing to be done about it." He heaved a great sigh. "All we can do is be glad it's over..."

* * *

**Tobi Reveal II  
**

* * *

"No more escaping!" Naruto roared, hauling back. As he smashed the Rasengan into the masked man's face, he screamed, "WHO ARE YOU?!"

The mask shattered to reveal...

"OH, BULLSHIT!" Naruto screamed as the pieces dropped away, revealing _another_ mask. Tobi gave him the finger.

"Welcome to the wonders of space-time jutsu!" the masked man chirped. "Would you like to try again? I've only got a few hundred more!"

* * *

**Tobi Reveal III  
**

* * *

"No more escaping!" Naruto roared, hauling back. As he smashed the Rasengan into the masked man's face, he screamed, "WHO ARE YOU?!"

The mask shattered to reveal...

"**ART OF THE NINJA CENTERFOLD!**"

As the smoke cleared, the newfound busty brunette stuck her tongue out at Naruto. "Eeh, Naruto-kun, didn't you realize the Sharingan can copy _any_ technique?"

"You plagiarizing bastard!" Naruto yelled, pointing a finger at him. "Come over here and fight me like a man! Woman! Whatever!"

"So much for finding out his identity..." Kakashi murmured, squinting at the transformed "Tobi" and trying to work out what Obito would look like as a hot chick. Was it wrong to be attracted to your dead teenage teammate? And did he want to be right?

* * *

**Tobi Reveal IV  
**

* * *

"No more escaping!" Naruto roared, hauling back. Screaming "WHO ARE YOU?!", he smashed the Rasengan into -

A log?

As the wood exploded into a thousand burning splinters, he glimpsed Tobi standing twenty feet away, arms outstretched to heaven.

"PRAISE BE TO THE LOG!"

* * *

**Tobi Reveal V  
**

* * *

"No more escaping!" Naruto roared, hauling back. As he smashed the Rasengan into the masked man's face, he screamed, "WHO ARE YOU?!"

The mask shattered to reveal...

"Uh..." Naruto said, staring into the face of a pug-ugly guy who had some gnarly scars on one side. "Should I... know you?"

The man glared at him as he recovered from the blow. "Ask your teacher," he sneered. "_He'll_ know."

"Actually, I don't," said Kakashi. The man gawped, then jabbed a finger at him.

"Enough fooling around! You know who I am!"

"I... really don't," Kakashi said, leaning on Gai as he scrutinized the man. "You're a short-haired Uchiha with odd scars. Since the Uchiha were fairly insular, similar features could turn up on several different people. That's even assuming it's your real face - Orochimaru had the art of stealing faces from others, but that didn't mean he was the only user. For all I know, this might not even be 'your' real body - you're a Rinnegan user, after all. Or it could be a creative henge. Anyway, supposing that _is_ your real face, you may appear to be around my age, but that means nothing - you could be using a rejuvenation technique. Look at the Sannin Tsunade. Though you _strongly resemble_ my old teammate Obito -"

"_You don't say?!_"

"- you might be his great-granduncle, for all I know," Kakashi continued. "Or you could be someone who's surgically altered your face to look like Obito as a demoralization technique."

"Don't think you're that important!"

"Not for me," Kakashi said, waving a hand, "but for when you - as Naruto informed me - attacked Konoha. Being able to whip off your mask and claim to be Obito might have taken the Fourth off-guard for a critical instant, enough for a skilled shinobi to score the kill. After that, you went around behind a mask anyway, so you'd have no particular need to change your face back-"

"This is such garbage, Kakashi, you know it's me," Tobi complained, throwing up his hands. "Admit it already so we can get on with it."

"As I've told you - no, I don't. And shouting at me won't make me believe it."

"Damn it!" Tobi kicked the shards of his mask aside. "What was the point of wearing a mask if you weren't even going to believe my big dramatic reveal?! All those years of buildup - ruined! Why even be a shinobi if your stupid teammate just blows off your show-stopping totally-unexpected maverick-ninja scene?!" He pointed at Naruto. "You feel me, brother?!"

"I feel you, brother!" Naruto shouted back, before freaking out at agreeing with the Akatsuki mastermind. "Wait, what am I saying?! I'd never agree with you! Whoever you're supposed to be!"

Kakashi's eye twitched. "For a moment there, I could almost believe that was Obito..."

* * *

**Tobi Reveal VI  
**

* * *

"No more escaping!" Naruto roared, hauling back. As he smashed the Rasengan into the masked man's face, he screamed, "WHO ARE YOU?!"

The mask shattered to reveal...

"I owe you 500 yen, Gai," Kakashi said with a deep sigh. "I thought it was far too obvious."

"Wh-what?!" Obito stammered, pointing a finger at him. "You - hey, what?! When did you have time to make a bet?"

"Oh, I've suspected since I first laid eyes on your ugly mug," Kakashi said, sounding bored and tired. "The mask, I mean. Let's see - you only had a Sharingan on the side I _didn't_ take, you acted just as dumb as you ever did -"

"H-hey, take that back!"

"- and when you did get serious, you did it in the ultra-serious 'badass' way I'd expect out of someone whose development stopped around thirteen. If that. Obito, you haven't even changed your _haircut_ since you were at the academy."

"You liar! I grew it out when I was going through an angsty teenage phase!"

"Mm. I'd need photographic evidence." Kakashi yawned. "As if that wasn't enough, your alias was To-bi. Very original, O-bi-to. If I tried to pass off 'Shika' as an original alias, ANBU would have disavowed me out of sheer embarrassment before the day was out." Running a hand through his hair, he added, "In fact, it was so embarrassingly obvious that I could only come to the conclusion that you were desperately trying to hide your _real_ identity by obsessively imitating a random deceased Konoha chuunin. I had to admit, it was very effective. If I just assumed you had the brains of a radish, it was _so_ obvious you were really Obito..."

"Er..." Tobi murmured, scratching the back of his head, and then jabbed a finger at Kakashi. "Well, I definitely fooled you! Because I really _am_ Madara Uchiha! Totally! I - uh - took this eye off of Obito's corpse, yeah! And I'll prove it to you by kicking your ass!"

"What a shocking revelation!" cried Gai. "Kakashi, my rival, you can have back the 500 yen! Only through the power of teamwork and youth can we prevail against such a foe!"

Kakashi facepalmed.

* * *

**Tobi Reveal VII  
**

* * *

"No more escaping!" Naruto roared, hauling back. As he smashed the Rasengan into the masked man's face, he screamed, "WHO ARE YOU?!"

The mask shattered to reveal...

"OBITO!"

"KAKASHI!" Tobi screamed back.

"OBITOOOO!" Kakashi yelled, pointing a finger at the formerly-masked man.

"KAKASHIIIII!" Tobi roared, veins bulging from his neck.

"**OBITOOOOO!**" Kakashi wailed, his Sharingan weeping blood.

"**KAKASHIIIIIII!**" Tobi bellowed, his own Sharingan spurting blood in turn.

"Er... what's going on?" Naruto asked Gai, who was weeping regular tears of saltwater.

"This is the most sacred and manly bond between a man and his rival," Gai said solemnly, water streaming down his cheeks, oblivious to Kakashi shouting in his ear. "The crying of names... And my rival has abandoned me for his old teenage flame." He sobbed and wiped at his eyes with his sleeve. "After all these years of fidelity... he leaves me for some Uchiha hussy..."

"That's... all right, that's just weird," Naruto said under his breath, backing away from the manly screeching of names. "I'm just going to leave you two to catch up-"

Just then, Sasuke arrived on the scene, his face screwing up in a scowl as only an Uchiha's could. "**NARUUUUUTOOOO!**"

"**SASUUUKEEEEE!**"


	2. More Tobi Antics

**Author's Note: **Shorter chapter this time.

* * *

**To Fulfill His Dream...!**

* * *

Obito gazed coldly upon Konoha. Once the village for which he would have given everything, now it meant almost nothing to him. He had returned only for this final task. Soon, the next step to his dream would be complete...!

"Boss..." ventured a Zetsu. "Are you really sure about this? I'm not sure this was in Madara's plan..."

Obito turned around, sneering. "I _am_ Madara now," he told his servant. "And you do my bidding. As the heir of his will, I, and I alone, determine what is necessary for the achievement of the perfect world..."

"If you say so, boss," the Zetsu said uncertainly, and withdrew to continue its work. Obito spared a moment to wallow in his contempt of such short-sighted beings, then returned his attention to the task at him. On this night of all nights, when the Kyuubi's seal would be weakened and the village lay vulnerable, he would ruthlessly take advantage of the opportunity...

...of Minato Namikaze's attention being elsewhere, so that he could carry out his great project unchallenged! "Hurry up, you louts!" he barked at his Zetsu army, who were even now carving a gargantuan replica of his face, goggles and all, into the Hokage Monument. "And make sure to get me from my good side!"

* * *

**Tobi Reveal VIII**

* * *

"No more escaping!" Naruto roared, hauling back. As he smashed the Rasengan into the masked man's face, he screamed, "WHO ARE YOU?!"

Except - wait, _how_ had he ended up over there?! And with an intact mask? This wasn't even Kamui! He had _felt_ the Rasengan hit home this time!

"Izanagi," said the still-masked man, sounding indescribably smug. "The ability to rewrite reality itself, for a price... In exchange for rendering the eye permanently useless, both for doujutsu and mundane sight, the user may manipulate reality within a limited bubble as easily as their own genjutsu for a few scant moments. Most useful, wouldn't you agree?"

"Damn..." Kakashi muttered as Naruto glowered at their nemesis.

"What the hell are _you_ so smug about?" he demanded. "But - you just burnt out your Sharingan! Now you can't even use Kamui!"

Tobi shrugged. "No, I didn't burn out _that_ one. Like Danzo, I had Orochimaru implant Sharingans stolen from the massacred Uchihas into my body."

"What?! Wait - is that why he had his eye covered?" Naruto asked, scowling as he tried to make the facts fit the suggestion. "But you said Sharingans, plural - where'd he put the rest?"

"Into his arm, of course," Tobi said, as though arms were a regular transplant site for eyes. "Where else would he have hidden it?"

"If that was your trick, you'd need a seal to prevent rapid chakra depletion from the transplants, and neither of your arms seem to be handicapped... where's_ your_ stock?" Kakashi asked, his eyes narrowed. Tobi chuckled.

"I'm so glad you asked."

And, without further ado, he turned his back to them and dropped his pants.

There was a moment of horrified silence. Naruto was the first to speak.

"That is _not_ the 'Eye of the Moon' plan I expected."

* * *

**Author's Note: **Alternate title for Tobi Reveal VIII: '**In which Izanagi is a _literal_ asspull**'.


	3. Sakura's Confession

**Author's Note**: This time features bloopers from the infamous 'false confession' scene. I'd like to explain I have nothing against NaruSaku... just that scene...

* * *

**Sakura Confession I  
**

* * *

"So, Naruto... you can forget your promise to me... You can stop chasing Sasuke..."

"Eeeeh? I haven't been doing that for your sake for years!" Naruto grinned broadly. "Thanks for telling me you're no longer in the running, though! Sasuke-tan will be mine!"

Sakura fainted.

* * *

**Sakura Confession II  
**

* * *

"Sasuke doesn't mean anything to me anymore! I was totally wrong to ever like him in the first place."

Naruto's whole face lit up. Sakura smiled hesitantly-

"I WON!" he yelled, looking straight past her and jabbing a finger at the other ninja. "She admits it, Kiba! Told you so, Sai! You both owe me super-sized ramen bowls at Ichiraku's! Oh, yeah, and don't forget you owe Lee five hundred push-ups each. Have fun with that."

"THAT'S HOW YOU REACT TO MY CONFESSING MY FEELINGS?!" she shrieked.

He gave her an annoyed look. "Sakura... you're a terrible liar, you know? Half my incredulity wasn't over your words, it was over you thinking you were convincing at all." He brightened again. "But the terms of the bet weren't you _meaning_ it, it was '_that admission ever passing her lips_'! Hehehe... Victory is mine!"

* * *

**Sakura Confession III  
**

* * *

"Of course I'd come all the way here! You're always talking about Sasuke this or Sasuke that, and chasing after Sasuke-"

"Ohhh... is _that_ the way it is?" Naruto began to chuckle; Sakura stared at him in confusion. "Oh, I get it now. The Pervy Sage was right! All I needed to do to get you interested and force a confession was make you jealous!"

"Eeeeh?!"

"That's right!" he cackled. "You think I can't see through all this?! Me turning into a decent guy, my saving the village - you don't care about any of that! You just can't bear the thought of me leaving you for Sasuke!"

A silent moment passed, and then Sakura facepalmed.

* * *

**Sakura Confession IV  
**

* * *

"Naruto... I said, I love you!"

"You..." His eyes shifted to the side. "Oh... that's awkward."

"Wh...why?"

"Because I already accepted Hinata's confession."

"H-Hinata?! That-" Sakura checked herself. "I mean... she's never seemed the sort to... When?!"

"After Pain resurrected everyone. Yeah, she's shy, but she'd already made a pre-death partial confession, so the way had been eased." He braced his hands behind his head. "I don't have many feelings toward her yet, but I'm willing to try. It's such a novelty to be someone's first choice, you know? Never thought it would happen to me." A goofy smile spread across his face. "And she likes ramen!"

"She... she does?" Sakura echoed faintly. She couldn't fathom a shy, demure clan heiress like Hinata indulging in some common meal like ramen... Maybe she just went along with it for Naruto's sake? Yes, that had to be it. Probably forced herself to take a bite and threw it into the nearest potted plant while Naruto blindly gulped his down. Sakura knew what it was like to bend yourself out of shape to impress a guy-

"She actually beat _me_ at a ramen-eating contest, can you believe it?! Forty-six bowls! It was the most awesome thing I ever-"

He was cut off by a thump as Sakura fainted.

* * *

**Sakura Confession V  
**

* * *

"What's happened to you, Sakura? You just suddenly start liking me..."

Sakura sighed. "It's Sai's fault," she admitted. "He showed me a classified experimental jutsu that enabled me to glimpse the future in a dozen years or so."

"And... we were married?" Naruto ventured. Sakura let out a crazed, mirthless laugh, then regained control of herself.

"I wish! I'd married Sasuke-"

"Sasuke comes back?"

"Oh, screw him! The bastard hadn't even kissed me, _and we had a Genin-aged daughter together_!" Sakura slammed her fist into her palm. "She hadn't even seen her father since she was a toddler! You'd better believe I have no feelings for him, after seeing what a deadbeat he grew up to be - always abroad 'for the sake of peace', my foot! I bet he had a wife in every village, that little..."

"And I take it I was better?"

She gave a great sigh. "Meanwhile, you were happily married with two children, and your children's sole complaint was that Daddy _only _sent a small army of shadow clones to dote on them at home because he was too busy at the office to show up in person. Your wife wasn't complaining... Naruto, I never knew you... I mean, I suppose it's to be expected from Jiraya's apprentice... but, I mean... I didn't realize... that sort of creative... Uh..."

"Eh? What are you talking about?" Naruto asked obliviously as Sakura turned redder and redder. "And - wait, back up there a minute! How'd I end up in a office?!"

"Where else would the Hokage work?!"

As Naruto gawped, Sakura grabbed him by the collar. "Look, you wanted an answer to your question?" she demanded. "I can have a deadbeat scumbag that leaves me a kissless near-virgin stuck raising his ingrate kid, or the responsible covert-ultra-pervert Hokage who's always there for his family, even if he has to do it through his proxies, and led the village into an era of unprecedented peace and prosperity! Who do you _think_ I'm going to choose? Hell, that woman who was your future wife - you can marry her too if you want! Start a harem! Heaven knows you had enough Shadow Clones for one!"

* * *

**Sakura Confession VI  
**

* * *

"I can't continue to love a rogue shinobi, a criminal. I'm not a child anymore... I can separate reality from fantasy."

There was a cough from the side.

There Sasuke stood in all his radiant bishonen glory, his garments falling open to reveal his chiseled physique. "Sakura... I'm sorry for everything," he sighed dramatically, the motion causing the flimsy cloth to expose even more of his creamy skin. "But I'm too far gone into the darkness... I can't find my way out on my own. I can only be redeemed by your love..."

"KYAAAAA! SASUKE-KUN!"

Her tackle-glomp dissipated the Shadow Clone. After collapsing face-first into the snow and pushing herself up, sputtering, she turned to glare up at Naruto. "That wasn't funny. At all."

"Neither was the stunt you just pulled," he responded, arms folded in front of him. "Did you think of that?"

* * *

**Sakura Confession VII  
**

* * *

"I just told you I like you instead of Sasuke. You know the saying, right? 'Women are as fickle as autumn weather'."

"If that's what you truly believe... why should I accept your confession? Why should anyone accept your confession?"

"What? Because... well, I like you!"

"Let's pretend I believe you," Naruto said curtly. He jerked his head at the other ninja awkwardly watching the scene. "Why shouldn't I be expecting you to confess to Kiba this time next week, because your heart was moved by his animal magnetism? And Lee the week after that, because you were touched by his dedication to hard work? And Sai after that, because... uh... some reason. There's got to be something a woman could see in him."

"My enormous penis," Sai said cheerfully. Everyone looked at him. "What's that expression? Do you all want to take a look?" He opened his cloak and began undoing his belt.

"Uhh... we'll take your word for it, really." Naruto returned his attention to Sakura. "Point is, if your only explanation for your change of feelings is your own fickleness... why should I believe there's any merit to your feelings at all?"

* * *

**Sakura Confession VIII  
**

* * *

"What... did you... just say, Sakura?! Did I hear you right...? ...Maybe say it again...?"

"Naruto... I said, men have disappointed me for the last time, so I'm running off to be a lesbian with Ino!"

* * *

**Sakura Confession IX  
**

* * *

"What... did you... just say, Sakura?! Did I hear you right...? ...Maybe say it again...?"

"Naruto... I said, I love you! Sasuke doesn't mean anything to me anymore! I was totally wrong to ever like him in the first place-"

"Hey, what's going on?" a voice called from behind the assembled ninja. "Did another Konoha squad come to meet with you, Naruto?"

Naruto froze, then dispelled the group of disguised Shadow Clones. "I - this isn't what it looks like!" he said frantically to the real Kakashi, Yamato, Sai, Kiba, Lee, and Sakura, who had just walked up and were regarding him with quizzical expressions. "I- I've just been thinking really hard and needed to unwind, all right?! Nothing weird about it! H-how much did you guys hear, anyway?!"

* * *

**Sakura Confession X  
**

* * *

"As for why I fell in love with you, it's obvious..."

"...you realized that I am the current Official Chairman of the Uchiha Sasuke Fan Club," Naruto concluded, nodding.

"Yes - WAIT, WHAT?!"

"Oh, I'll admit we went through a real rough patch there, after his defection," Naruto went on obliviously. "People leaving the club right and left... dark days, I tell you. But then my cousin Karin contacted me out of the blue and offered to help me bring us back to our days of former glory. I wouldn't have been able to kickstart the revival without her unique placement to gather resources." He solemnly placed a hand on her shoulder. "For a limited time, if you rejoin now, we'll send you a free starter kit for your official Sasuke Starter Shrine, with real hair, blood, and skin samples, and a lifelike life-size body pillow of the one and only Uchiha Sasuke in the pose of your choice. For a paltry membership fee, she'll even send you an authentic piece of his clothing within three weeks, though she notified me that deliveries might be delayed right now due to personal commitments. You can't get this absolutely anywhere else, Sakura. Accept no imitators. There is only one true Uchiha Sasuke Fan Club, and you're looking at the head of it."

"That's - that's so gross! Blood samples?! And a b-body pillow?! Wh-what sort of girl do you think I am? And furthermore-" Her voice dropped. "How high is the membership fee?"

"Starts at 500 yen, goes up according to just how... intimate you want the garments to be. You can also opt for our monthly installment plan, where every month is a new-"

"And, as I was saying, you're all incredibly sick and disgusting people and I can't believe anyone would be depraved enough to pay for such a thing," Sakura said, just loudly enough to cover the jingle as she deposited a bag of coins into Naruto's outstretched hand.

* * *

**Sakura Confession XI**

* * *

"But it's weird!" Naruto exclaimed. "You came all this way here just to say this to me?!"

"Just...?! Just?! You think it's so easy for a girl to profess her love?! And what do you mean, came all the way here?!"

"Well - what about them?" Naruto demanded, pointing to the others. "What are they all here for? Why do they need to be here for this?"

"What do you think, Naruto?" Sai said with a creepy smile. "Because we _all_ came to profess our love."

As the blond ran screaming into the distance, Sai met his comrades' unamused gazes with the same unnerving smile. "Didn't we?"

* * *

**Sakura Confession XII  
**

* * *

"I came here because I want you to return to the village! That's all!"

For several seconds, there was silence. "It just sounds like an excuse," Naruto said finally. "I mean, I get where you're coming from, Sakura."

"You... you do?"

"Yes," said Naruto, nodding solemnly. "I too plan to go find Sasuke and get him to return to the village by confessing my love."

There was a thump as Sakura fainted.


End file.
